


altea unsolved

by tootsonnewts



Category: Voltron: Legendary Defender
Genre: M/M, buzzfeed unsolved au, keith is skeptical and tired, shiro just wants to hug a crytpid, the illuminati is real okay, wuddup aliens it's shiro ya boy
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-06-25
Updated: 2018-06-25
Packaged: 2019-05-28 12:07:09
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,671
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15048671
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/tootsonnewts/pseuds/tootsonnewts
Summary: “This week on Altea Unsolved, we investigate the Blade of Marmora, a secretive group on the outskirts of Balmera, Indiana,” Shiro begins. “The organization has long been rumored to be all sorts of things over the years - assassins, mercenaries, a branch of the illuminati-”Keith sighs from beside Shiro.“-and my personal favorite, alien soldiers from another universe.”Keith sighs again, heavier this time.“I hear that sigh, Keith, but I’m gonna go ahead and ignore it.”“You always do,” Keith answers with a smirk.“One day, you’ll see!” Shiro laughs. “My theories could absolutely be true!”“You believe the illuminati is real.”“You know I’ve seen a lizard person, Keith.”“That was a coyote! I was there!”keith and shiro are the hosts of a popular internet mystery investigation show. their latest assignment uncovers a little more than keith was prepared to find.or, a buzzfeed unsolved au





	altea unsolved

**Author's Note:**

  * For [altins](https://archiveofourown.org/users/altins/gifts).



> my darling sam sent me the following prompt literal months ago:  
> "Hi mom it’s been a while but if ur still doing au meme can I get uuuuuuuhhhhhhhh sheith buzzfeed unsolved au p&t"
> 
> so here we are!

Keith shuts the door of the recording closet behind him quietly, juggling his script and extra large coffee in one hand as he holds out the car keys and a bottle of pressed juice with the other. Shiro smiles at him fondly, ignoring the sweating bottle and instead grabbing the keys by their spaceship keychain and tucking them in his back pocket.

“Hold on to that for a second.”

Keith doesn’t really have a choice, but whatever. He rolls his eyes while Shiro leaves him to handle the drinks as he tugs the script from Keith’s grasp and lays it out on the stand in front of the microphone. Satisfied that everything is as it should be, Shiro presses a kiss into Keith’s cheek.

“You ready for this one?”

Keith absently runs his fingers across the ball chain suspended from his neck.

“I-I really don’t know, honestly.”

“Not to be that guy, but I kinda don’t think you have a choice.”

Keith sighs. He knows, of course, that this episode has to be finished. But all things considered, it’s one of the most buckwild experiences they’ve had recording this show. And this show is nothing _but_ buckwild experiences - Shiro being the first of them.

Keith joined Altea back when it was just a fledgling website with the bare idea of collecting as much interesting content as they possibly could in one place. He started out in product reviews, but over time, their website’s visitors came to enjoy his passive attitude and dry humor, so his boss, Allura, decided he needed to branch out.

Thus began the videos. First, he did the same reviews he always did, just recorded. Then, they roped him into trying new foods while blindfolded, participating in odd challenges from the internet (fuck cinnamon forever, as far as Keith is concerned - he can’t even eat french toast anymore), and finally, commenting on urban legends. That was how he met Shiro.

Shiro came onto the Altea staff a couple years after Keith. He began as a copy editor, ended up branching out to do some writing of his own, and once his picture hit the staff page, that was a wrap. His good looks, charming writing, and love of all things cryptid and conspiracy caught fire, gaining him a following of his own. One day, Allura decided to pair them up for a joint video about the mothman, with Keith assigned to provide the skepticism while Shiro spoke about the legend itself. They both showed up early to prep for the video, and after one smooth look at each other, the rest, as they say, was history.

Which brings Keith to now, three seasons into their special block of supernatural mini-documentaries, _Altea Unsolved_ , and three years into a relationship with the absolute most ridiculous man he’s ever known. Keith wouldn’t trade any of it for the world.

Except for this episode, maybe.

Hunk, their video editor, pokes his head into the room, a broad smile stretched across his face. “You guys ready to knock this V.O. out?”

Shiro smiles back, although his eyes remain locked on Keith’s face. “Yeah, man. Let’s do it.”

“Great! Look, Keith. I know this assignment turned out to be...kinda crazy? For you? But I did my best to edit the worst of it out. It’s only kind of mentioned, and even then, I think you’ll be able to talk around it if you wanted.” Hunk finishes his sentence with a wobbly smile, but the underlying sentiment is there. _If you don’t want it in at all, I’m here for you._

Keith sighs and reaches out, squeezing Hunk’s bicep lightly.

“It’s hardly the weirdest thing to happen to me, right? I mean,” -he gestures to Shiro- “just look at that.”

Shiro scoffs with false indignity, clutching his broad chest with a metallic hand.

“I can’t believe this betrayal, Keith. How could you say that? My mother was right. I should have kept looking for the mothman. She’s always said she thought he’d have nice wings.”

“Fuck the mothman and his nice wings,” Keith growls playfully. Hunk snorts a laugh, but Keith ignores him. “He can’t have you.”

“Awww, babe,” Shiro soothes, taking Keith’s face in his hands. “You know you’re my favorite cryptid.”

Hunk clears his throat. “Guys, you’re adorable. Really. But I’ve got things to do tonight, so if we could move this along?”

“Yeah, yeah,” Keith dismisses him with a wave of the hand still clutching Shiro’s juice. He sets their drinks down on the stool they keep as a makeshift table, and steps up to his microphone. Hunk putters back behind the glass and cues up the video.

All things considered, they get through their voiceover work relatively quickly. Everything is recorded and ready to go in less than an hour, and Hunk promises to send them the completed file as soon as he finishes. Fortunately for Keith, recording for voiceover is the only thing he and Shiro put on their calendars on those particular days, so it affords them the chance to go home early and spend some time together. They have plans for dinner, but Keith can’t bring himself to focus on their date now that their work is finished.

“Hey,” Shiro’s warm voice jostles him out of his thoughts. “It’s going to be fine. Nobody is going to think any worse of you, you know? Nobody who matters, anyway.”

Keith huffs a breath as Shiro’s prosthetic hand slides around his lower back, tugging him into a warm, broad chest. It muffles his voice, but he doesn’t care too much to move. “I can’t believe you don’t think any worse of me. I literally had no idea.”

“Ehh,” Shiro hedges. Keith snaps his head up to look at his face, only to find him smothering a smile. “I’m kidding. You’re you. You’re not anybody but you. I still love you.”

Keith sighs and shoves his face back between cozy pecs.

“You weren’t seriously worried about that, right?” Shiro asks.

“Ehh,” Keith hedges. It earns him a playful smack to the back of his head, but he just smiles and burrows closer to Shiro’s warmth. “Let’s go eat.”

They’re halfway through dinner when Hunk’s email comes through. Keith frantically looks at Shiro from across the table. He nods in response, asking their waiter for to-go boxes and paying the check as quickly as possible. They get home in record time and settle down on the couch, Keith’s laptop propped between them on the coffee table.

Keith opens up his email, takes a deep breath, and plays the episode.

 

+++

 

It’s dark outside as Shiro and Keith approach the old cinder block building. It stands tall and stark before them, utilitarian white paint slopped all over every surface that isn’t deep carved wood or wrought iron spirals.

“Well, this isn’t foreboding or anything,” Shiro jokes.

“You think every building in the dark is foreboding,” Keith mutters back. “Besides, there’s lights on inside. They’re waiting for us.”

“Who even is _they_? You know? What if this whole thing was one big trick to get us alone?”

“Oh yes,” Keith scoffs. “Two randos from some millennial website. The true enemy. Let’s get those boys.”

“Hey man, you know these old man cults are weird.”

“It’s not a cult, Shiro,” Keith answers in exasperation.

“Uhhhh, mothballed old building? Check. Only old military men allowed to join? Check. Meeting us in the middle of the night in their headquarters in the Indiana foothills? Check. Old man cult.”

“This coming from the guy who thinks every random gathering of people is a cult.”

“You know the old saying,” Shiro tosses back, knocking on the door. “Two’s company, three’s a cult.”

“Oh my god,” Keith answers as the door swings open and the picture cuts away.

The Altea Unsolved intro plays, an animated montage of creatures and symbols, set off by a jangly tune. Name cards for Shiro and Keith flash across the screen, stills of their faces mid-expression during previous investigations. Shortly after the intro, footage of Keith and Shiro in their post-mortem room plays. They sit behind a table covered in spooky looking trinkets. Keith’s arms are crossed protectively across his chest while Shiro sits beside him, amused.

“This week on Altea Unsolved, we investigate the Blade of Marmora, a secretive group on the outskirts of Balmera, Indiana,” Shiro begins. “The organization has long been rumored to be all sorts of things over the years - assassins, mercenaries, a branch of the illuminati-”

Keith sighs from beside Shiro.

“-and my personal favorite, alien soldiers from another universe.”

Keith sighs again, heavier this time.

“I hear that sigh, Keith, but I’m gonna go ahead and ignore it.”

“You always do,” Keith answers with a smirk.

“One day, you’ll see!” Shiro laughs. “My theories could absolutely be true!”

“You believe the illuminati is real.”

“You know I’ve seen a lizard person, Keith.”

“That was a coyote! I was there!”

“Either way!” Shiro answers, looking back to the camera. “This week, we traveled out to the foothills of Indiana to look into the Blade and try to discover what, exactly, they’re all about. The first stop of our investigation took us to the local Balmera records office to try and glean what we could from their public information.”

The picture cuts to Keith and Shiro sitting in a cramped office with a tired looking, middle-aged woman. Keith is flipping through a manila folder while Shiro converses with her.

“So, this group - the Blade - they’ve been around for years now?”

“Oh yes,” the woman answers. “At least thirty, by my records.”

“And what do they do?”

“Well, not much, really. They hold meetings in their building on the occasion, but truth be told, they’re rather quiet. Respectful fellas, really. Always say hello, always use manners. Could be worse.”

Keith shuts the folder in his hands before speaking up. “It says here that their building is registered as a general meeting space. What’s that mean?”

“Well, it’s like any other building used for meetings, like a freemason lodge or anything like that.” She waves her hand casually through air, like she’s talking about her grocery list. “They meet, talk, go their separate ways.”

“Do you know what they meet about?” Keith asks.

“I can’t say that I do.”

The picture cuts back to the front door of the lodge opening up in front of Keith and Shiro. The audio of the interview with the recordkeeper continues to play.

_“Do they strike you as dangerous people?” Shiro’s voice asks nervously._

A large, looming man steps through the threshold. He’s impossibly broad, stone-faced, and threatening in appearance. His hair is braided long over one shoulder, and his brows are set in a stern expression. Keith takes an unconscious step backward.

_“Not hardly, no,” the recordkeeper laughs. “Regular pussycats, the whole group of ‘em!”_

The footage switches over to plain text on a black background, documenting Shiro and Keith’s voiceovers.

**(wheeze) your face, keith!**

**okay, that guy was huge, though. you don’t understand.**

**you’re a big guy, you can’t judge.**

**(loud laugh)**

**(sigh)**

As the footage cuts back to Shiro and Keith standing in front of the door, the impossibly large man thrusts a hand out toward them.

“I am Kolivan. I heard you are curious about our organization.”

“We are,” Keith confirms.

“Well then, please come in.”

The picture fades over to Shiro and Keith sitting behind their table. Keith shuffles a few papers in his hands and cuts Shiro a look.

“Let’s talk about the rumors surrounding the Blade.”

“Gladly!” Shiro visibly perks up as he speaks. “So, the first time the Blade really hit public knowledge was after a reddit post from someone in their hometown. The post has since been removed, but we were able to get the original text, which is pretty interesting-”

“Boring, if you ask me,” Keith interjects.

“Pfft. Anyway, it basically says that the original poster lives in the same town as the Blade and he thinks there’s something weird up with the organization because they seem out of place in the town. A few people ask for clarification, the original poster says they always have knives strapped to their belts-”

“Blades, maybe? Of Marmora, perhaps?”

“-and they just casually walk around that way.”

“Like you do.”

“A few people just suggested that it was an organization for ex-military, since that’s a fairly common thing, and that was mostly that for the thread.”

“Literally nothing.”

Shiro sighs. “You’re not wrong.”

“Rarely am.”

“But then! Another post showed up a few months later on the same forum, right. This one is a little more detailed. They’ve seen the members go into their meeting place at night, a few lights come on, nothing much happens.”

The screen cuts away from the two sitting at their table to a brief pan of the reddit thread and some of its responses.

“Enlightening,” Keith drawls.

“Until about an hour later when there’s a huge boom and then total silence again.”

“That’s still really not much.”

“Sure, until two fewer members walked out of the building than walked in.”

“Maybe the Blade is into sleepovers.”

“If there’s one thing ex-military guys must love, it’s sleeping with a bunch of grumpy old dudes. Hell yeah.”

The picture changes to Shiro and Keith following Kolivan inside the building. The inside is deceptively nice, with tastefully papered walls and neatly painted trim. Pictures are hung in orderly fashion all over the walls, snapshots of award ceremonies and group gatherings. Some newspaper clippings are framed on console tables. An award case stands proud in the foyer, full of medals and knick knacks that seem to have more sentimental value than anything.

“As I mentioned when we spoke on the phone, we have no secrets. Knowledge or death, as we say.”

The plain black background returns with new text.

**[kolivan] we have no secrets.**

**[keith] none?**

**[kolivan] none. knowledge or death, as we say.**

The interior footage returns, zoomed in on Keith’s exasperated face.

“I recall.”

“Please, let’s head to the lounge. We’ll be more comfortable there, at any rate. It would seem the world is curious about us.”

“That’s an understatement if I’ve ever heard one,” Shiro murmurs.

Back to the footage of the post mortem room, Shiro and Keith look at each silently for a moment.

“The rumors,” Shiro begins.

Keith groans, pushing his face into his hand. “The rumors.”

“Okay, well there are three main ones, right. So first, They’re members of a secret cult of spies, ex-mercenaries, retired seals, you know, the usual.”

“Totally usual.”

“How plausible do you think that is? I mean, like we said, there _are_ a ton of organizations like that.”

“Okay, but they’re not cults. This isn’t a cult.”

“You can never rule out a good old fashioned cult.”

“I can and I did.”

“Moving on, rumor number two: illuminati.”

“Ridiculous.”

“But think about it, okay. A secret group of giant old dudes out in the mountains, meeting surreptitiously at night for whatever reason. It’s a fair thought.”

“It’s not, because the illuminati isn’t _real._ We did a whole episode on this, man. How could you have forgotten?”

“Call me skeptical.”

“I’ll call you whatever I want.”

“Not in front of the kids.”

The footage switches back to the Marmora building. Shiro and Keith sit perched on the edge of a couch across from Kolivan, who sips a cup of tea in a comfortable-looking armchair. Keith’s eyes dart around the room, taking in details quietly. Shiro wrings his hands in his lap, staring Kolivan down. Kolivan seems completely unfazed, heavy gaze settled on Keith.

“I imagine you have questions to ask,” he prompts, setting his tea cup aside. His eyes remain on Keith for a moment more, but then dart away to watch Shiro as he clears his throat to speak.

“If you could, just tell us what you guys do here. This is a pretty remote place to set up camp, don’t you think?”

Kolivan smiles and opens his mouth.

Back in the post mortem, Shiro holds up three fingers.

“This brings us up to rumor the third: aliens.”

“Aliens.”

“Yes. The most obscure rumor, of course. Some people claim that the Blade must be alien soldiers from another universe hiding out on Earth to avoid persecution from their own race.”

“Which is ridiculous.”

The black background returns.

**how funny would it have been if he was like, “what’s up, i’m an alien!”**

**(sigh)**

**just, ah- (cackle), what if he just was like, “time to eat these boys!”**

**(tortured sigh)** **shiro...**

“In all actuality,” Kolivan begins as the picture of their interview fades back in, “we are simply an organization of ex-military who meet to connect with former teammates. Not as glamorous as I’m sure you are expecting, but the truth is very often that way.”

“So what?” Keith asks. “You all served together?”

A wry smile touches Kolivan’s lips. “You could say that.”

Keith leans forward to ask another question, and as he does, his necklace slips under his collar, the worn dog tags peeking through a gap in his button up shirt. Kolivan’s eyes are sharp and they catch the motion.

“Would you mind answering a question of my own?” he asks softly, gesturing at Keith’s chest. “Whose name is on those tags?”

Keith gasps in sharply. The picture cuts to black once more.

**so.**

**so.**

**do you...did you know who he was? like, when we got there?**

**not in the slightest.**

**and yet.**

**and yet.**

The interview fades in again, Kolivan holding Keith’s necklace in a meaty palm, staring down wistfully at the dog tags in his hand.

“Krolia was a fine soldier. She spoke of you often. When you arrived, well. I had thought perhaps, but I was not sure. You look so much like her.” He offers the tags back out to Keith. In the blink of an eye, he snatches them back up and forces the chain over his head, shoving it back into the depths of his shirt. “I am sure you have questions.”

“I do.”

The view of the duo in their post mortem returns. They’re sitting quietly together, Shiro with a hand placed lightly on Keith’s forearm. Keith’s eyes are closed, scrunched tight with a little furrow between his brows.

“We don’t have to talk about it here, Keith.”

Keith blows out a shaky breath. “Good, because I’d rather not.”

“Fair enough.”

The interview with Kolivan comes back one final time to find the trio standing in the lobby of the Marmora building.

“I would like to give you my phone number, Keith,” Kolivan says. “There are many memories I have of your mother that I am sure you’d like to have.”

“Thank you,” Keith says quietly, a watery smile on his face.

“Thank you for taking the time to talk with us today,” Shiro says softly, extending his hand to Kolivan. The man regards it skeptically for a moment before grasping Shiro by the elbow and tugging him in close. He whispers something in Shiro’s ear, but the sound is too low for the camera to catch it. Shiro’s eyes widen, a nearly imperceptible shift, but Keith catches the action and raises a curious brow.

Shiro turns his head to Keith slowly, smiling wide and predatory.

“I can do that,” he says confidently. Kolivan smiles in return and lets him go.

“You two have a safe drive. And Keith,” -he sets a hand down on Keith’s shoulder- “I expect to hear from you soon.”

“Yes, sir,” Keith says with a dry salute.

Kolivan chuckles and opens the door.

The picture cuts to handycam footage of two of them in their SUV, driving to the airport. It’s from Keith’s perspective, the frame zoomed in tight to Shiro’s face.

“So what did he say to you?”

Shiro snorts loud into the cab of the car.

“You don’t want to know.”

“I really do.”

“He asked me to do something.”

“And what is that?”

Shiro laughs loud and shakes his head. Keith’s arm shoots into frame and socks him on the shoulder.

“Just tell me!”

Shiro chokes on a laugh.

The black narration screen shows again.

**you wouldn’t believe me if i told you.**

**maybe not, but i still wanna know.**

**he said - hah! - he said that you (laugh)-**

**(sigh)**

**he said you have an unusual background and that i should- (wheeze)-**

**i should consider that when we mate (snort).**

**WHAT.**

**ya boy bagged an alien!**

**WHAT THE FUCK.**

**(wheeeeeeeze)**

The picture returns to Shiro and Keith in the post mortem room, with Shiro looking at the camera and Keith looking at his hands.

“So there you have it,” Shiro says. “This one was a little weird.”

“You can say that again,” Keith scoffs.

“This one was a little weird.”

Keith groans.

“This time, we got a real answer to the mystery we set out to investigate. Which is odd, but pretty refreshing, honestly.”

“In a sense.”

“The new question is how Keith is going to bulk up to fit in with all his new uncles.”

“Shiro, goddammit.”

“But for now, that mystery will just have to remain...unsolved.”

Keith stands up and marches away from the post mortem table, and the screen fades to black a final time.

**i’m just kidding.**

**(sigh) great.**

**he asked if we would invite the blade to the wedding.**

**WHAT.**

 

+++

 

The living room is silent for a few minutes after the laptop screen goes black.

“That wasn’t so bad,” Shiro says, although he isn’t looking at Keith.

“Wasn’t so-that wasn’t so bad?! Are you kidding me?!” Keith hops up from his place on the couch to pace the room. “We can’t put that episode out like that. I can’t have that out. Nobody can know about this!”

“What, that you’re literally related to badass mercenaries you knew nothing about and your mom was hardcore as hell? Come on, it could be worse.”

“I don’t see how.”

“...I could leave you for the mothman.”

**Author's Note:**

> feel free to come request things over on [tumblr](http://tootsonnewts.tumblr.com/) or [twitter](https://twitter.com/_tootsonnewts)!


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